I am not writing as often as I planned. I seem to be walking around in a fog a lot. I have been really good about getting up and exercising, then the day seems to get lost. I sleep a lot. Probably too much, but that may be better than not sleeping. Today I was up from 4 to 6 then back down from 6 to 9 then back down from 4 to 6. I never feel really sleepy, just not able to motivate myself to do much of anything else. I went for my first appointment with a clinical psychologist. Don't really have an opinion yet, except it is a positive move. It was hard to go, I almost blew it off a couple of times. But thanks to Don he got me there and home to bed.
Why is this so hard? I think because I am afriad. What if I go to see this psychologist and I don't get any better? What if I am doomed to be unhappy? What if this is as good as it gets? Why do I expect so much more? I have little hope. Hope is a rare thing for me. I can't even escape into a TV show. Don is watching football. I hate football. I think I will go to bed.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
A New Day
I started this Blog a long time ago, but couldn't get past the beginning. I changed focus and started "Thirteen Life Changing Events", a blog I convinced myself was a research project around the events in my life I needed to ramble about. Conducting a research project allowed me to address heart breaking events from my past from a safe position, removed. So now that I have written the first research project on child abuse, I feel free to write some more personal paragraphs. This will simply be a journal of day to day events, written for myself as a reminder that I am OK.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I went to see Dr. Tallman today. He is the best Doctor I have ever been to. His medical profession is Neurologist and I have been seeing him for years for migraine headaches. This time he walked into the examination room and asked me how I was doing and I replied "not well". I told him of my journey over the past few months to journal about my past in a process to get over it. I told him of my accidently running out of pills and then not taking them anymore. I told him I was in a great deal of pain, not able to function, not wanting to live, boo hoo for me.
He is a gentle man, and never in too much of a hurry to talk. After telling me of his adventures in Cuba and addressing the UT doctorial class in entreparneurship on careers in medicine, he requested that I consider taking medication to increase my seratonin levels, I said OK and I am feeling better in just 3 days. Still not sleeping much, but not crying either.
Another decision I want to share with myself is, "I don't have the ability to care for my grandchildren by myself." I can't handle the responsibility for more than a few hours. I realized this and shared it with my sons after the fiasco with Chad's children. 4 nights of trying to keep up with their obsence schedule was too much.
I am starting on an adventure today. I am juicing again. Lots of Kale, ginger, carrots and apples. My goal is to lower my colestorale and help with the depression.
Wish me luck
Monday, October 5, 2009
I went to see Dr. Tallman today. He is the best Doctor I have ever been to. His medical profession is Neurologist and I have been seeing him for years for migraine headaches. This time he walked into the examination room and asked me how I was doing and I replied "not well". I told him of my journey over the past few months to journal about my past in a process to get over it. I told him of my accidently running out of pills and then not taking them anymore. I told him I was in a great deal of pain, not able to function, not wanting to live, boo hoo for me.
He is a gentle man, and never in too much of a hurry to talk. After telling me of his adventures in Cuba and addressing the UT doctorial class in entreparneurship on careers in medicine, he requested that I consider taking medication to increase my seratonin levels, I said OK and I am feeling better in just 3 days. Still not sleeping much, but not crying either.
Another decision I want to share with myself is, "I don't have the ability to care for my grandchildren by myself." I can't handle the responsibility for more than a few hours. I realized this and shared it with my sons after the fiasco with Chad's children. 4 nights of trying to keep up with their obsence schedule was too much.
I am starting on an adventure today. I am juicing again. Lots of Kale, ginger, carrots and apples. My goal is to lower my colestorale and help with the depression.
Wish me luck
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